Thursday, August 27, 2009

limb by limb

i wasn't always into the hard stuff. my first memory of being aware of pop music came from the matching am radios my sister and i had, listening to hall & oates & kim carnes on "the mighty 690". i remember buying madonna's first album on cassette, and i still have men at work "business as usual" and duran duran "rio" on vinyl. i got introduced to reggae when i was in middle school and for a while, it was all bob marley/steel pulse/gregory issacs, all the time. ac/dc's "back in black" was the first album i ever bought on CD - i guess you could call that one the gateway album. because once i was rocking (and ac/dc was saluting me), all i wanted - no, NEEDED - was the rock. punk rock, heavy metal, bob marley who? let there be rock.

once i got into college radio, though, my tastes started to change again as my friends introduced me to everything from spacemen 3 to mark eitzel to funkadelic. one of my favorite things to do on my college radio show was to play a slayer song right into "maggot brain". being around friends with such diverse musical tastes was great, because it opened my mind back up and forced me to question what really made a good song good, and it expanded my ideas about what i wanted to listen to. where i once SWORE i'd never listen to anything other than punk rock, all of the sudden i wanted to listen to everything. and really, that hasn't changed - to this day, i love having my mind blown by something i never thought i'd like. but, phish? for reals, as we used to say?

it started in 1999. when a guy i dated briefly told me he was really, really into phish, well, i may have been a little skeptical, but i didn't flinch. on our second or third date, he began by giving me two mix tapes. one was all live phish, and i was instructed to listen to that one "later, after the first one has had some time to marinate." the "first one" was all phish too, but all of it was from their studio albums. so i listened. and then i listened again, because for me they weren't a fist-listen kind of band. on later dates, he broke out phish books, videos, and the posters and the black light (it's true). phish "phans" are no joke; ex-sleater kinneyite carrie brownstein says of them (us?) on her npr monitor mix blog: "Phish-heads know so much minutiae about the band, its music and its shows that you'd think they had CIA-like capabilities at their disposal. They also speak in their own language, using dates to identify shows. Sitting amongst them, it sounds like a secret code." it's true. and this guy went to great lengths to not overwhelm me with all things phish, but it was clear how passionate he was about the band and it's surrounding subculture. and you know what? it was the coolest musical education, and it worked! well, for me and them: i didn't fall in love with the guy, but i fell in LOVE with phish. i got all of their albums, started collecting their live shows, reading everything i could about them, you name it. and after my first show, i was SOLD. because phish are so much bigger than just themselves - the phish universe is a lively, interesting, joyful little subculture. and being a part of it is truly a gift! wow, is that patchouli i smell?

i do think there is a stigma associated with phish and liking them, one that's especially pervasive amongst my indie rock peers. they jam their songs waaaay out, and yup, they are poster-boys for the nouveau hippie set, but phish! they are brilliant musicians, their songs are interesting, and those jams can be mind blowing. or mind-bowling, depending. someone just compared built to spill to phish on twitter the ohter night, saying basically that built to spill are a jam band that hipsters can admit they like. i loved that.

with phish, it's all (well, ok, MOSTLY) about their live shows. we just spent a night in the bay area seeing them at shoreline, after they'd broken up and spent years apart and i never knew if they'd really actually reunite, and i'll admit it: i cried tears of joy when they started. here's j and i with our friend carlos who flew up with us for it:

and here's a shot of the stage, mid-set:

that smile? my face hurt the next day because i think i smiled that big ALL NIGHT.

and it was one of the, if not THE, most fun concerts i've ever been to. no, we're not going to festival8 in coachella over halloween weekend, because having a two year old and not being able to buy single day tickets just don't mix. but i'll live vicariously through my friends who are going (jules, i'm lookin' at you) and you know i'll be downloading those shows as soon as i can. phish! my love for you is like a clock, berserker.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

that 6 month mark theory

i first read about it on ask moxie, but couldn't recall really noticing any difference around f's 18 month mark. it's a theory about children's development and how they tend to get all out-of-sorts, developmentally, around the half-year mark of each year, and then it all kinda comes back together (and their behavior smooths out accordingly) around their birthdays. but f's sleep has always been wonky (read: pure torment to someone like me who needs to sleep in order to function) and i really don't remember any difference in her, behaviorally, around 18 months. but lately? holy nutballs, our little girl is right at the 30 month mark and moxie? i think you're onto something.

all of the sudden, she's getting REALLY SERIOUS about "NO!" and loves to tell us that we're not "listening to her words". "mama, you're not being a good listener," she says. and the 8 year old in me wants to say "oh yeah? neither are you! SO THERE!" but wait, i'm the adult, right? RIGHT? sometimes reverting to ridiculous 8 year old behavior is JUST SO TEMPTING.

the other fun development in our world is f all of the sudden just going from 0-60, from normal fun f to super freakout mode, in two shakes of a lamb's tail. we give her lots of time warnings to let her know what's next and what's expected, like "ok, 2 minutes of playing and then we're brushing teeth" - that kind of thing. so last night, we'd given her the heads up more than once, and she'd even picked out a toy to bring with us into the bathroom (because really, brushing teeth? so boring without toys!) when as soon as we get into the bathroom, she says "mom i need a baby." no biggie, right? i said "f, you already have a toy, we'll get a baby as soon as we brush your teeth and go back into your room". like, baby! soon! no worries! silly me - it was a BIG worry, apparently; she started yelling at me: "MAMA! I NEED A BABY! NIGHT NOW!" (night now, everything is "night now", see). the tears! they were INSTANT! they were less than instant - it's like she starts crying even before i can get the words out of my mouth! seriously! (what do you think you are, f? two and a half?) and dude, she LOST IT. i got down on my knees and couldn't even get a word in edgewise. she was so pissed. and all i was trying to do was to say hey - your babies are 5 feet away from us right now (night now)! you've already got a toy! let's just brush your teeth and call it good! but instead i think she was hearing "NO BABIES EVER AGAIN EVER EVER EVER" or something along those lines. she was hysterical within 10 seconds, so what did i do? after trying to stay calm and repeat that we could get a baby after we brushed her dang teeth and and and... i gave in. i then yelled at j, who was sitting there watching this all go down. i gave in,yelled, j handed us a baby for her, and i spent the next 5 minutes calming her down. then i apologized to j, and she made me say sorry to him twice more, which was fine, because it was like she needed to see that (and i did owe him an apology, for sure) so that was good for all of us. but really? is this what's in store for us? because seriously, it's freakin' exhausting. this acting like a two and a half year old is for the birds.

so. these little f meltdowns - they're happening like once a day now. and i'm not the best at handling them calmly and gracefully every time (or anytime for that matter, but a girl's gotta have goals). if anything, when she melts down, it just totally stresses me out, and the whole time my brain is going "what would moxie/hal runkel/peg bundy do?" but i can't think that quickly, because IT ALL HAPPENS SO FAST! ugh.

and, um, i just reread all of that, and now i'm confused. who's going through the 6 month turmoil? her? or me?

Saturday, August 22, 2009

gardening, or, i really am turning into my mom

someone asked me the other day when was the last time i'd lived somewhere where i could actually plant a garden, and i realized i haven't had a real yard since i lived at home with my mom. the planter box that the peeping tom lay in to look at my neighbor and i in denver notwithstanding. that's been, oh, 18 years? and really, even when i lived at home and saw my mom spending a good amount of her free time digging in the dirt, i had, it might be fair to say, less than zero interest in getting on that party train. but as i've gotten older, i've found myself wanting more and more to get my hands dirty & to have a chance to grow our own vegetables. so when we moved into our first! real! house! last summer and started thinking about changing the backyard (y'know, because HUGE rose bushes, pea gravel, and broken glass isn't the most kid-friendly landscape aesthetic), building a raised-bed planter for an organic veggie garden was at the top of my list.

i went vegetarian when i was almost 19. it started more as an experiment, to see what it would feel like, to see how long i could last, to see what it was all about. i'd just started college at uc irvine and had met some new friends who were vegetarian, and hey! why not? meat, shmeat! isn't that kinda what college is all about? trying on all kinds of stuff for size? little did i know, i would last a good 12 years. i actually was an, oh how do you say it, ovo-lacto pescarian? i still ate dairy, eggs, and fish most of the time. at one point, after reading "diet for a new america" in 1996 i tried to go vegan, but i gave that up after about two weeks. no cheese? i mean, a girl's got her limits, right?

around 2004, though, i began to notice how lethargic i felt, all the time. i'd come home from work and just want to pass out on the couch. and my fingernails were thin and peeling. and i started to dream about eating chicken. some people dream about javier bardem, mark ruffalo, and a vat of crisco; i dream about poultry. after my second chicken-eating dream, though, i began to entertain the possibility of gradually introducing meat back into my diet, and when i mentioned it to j, he just about did a backflip, which sealed the deal. j comes from a line of hunters; one of his 4'11" nana's favorite stories is about bagging a buck and gutting it all by herself, on the spot, shortly after giving birth to her third child. j had sorta stopped eating meat when we began living together, simply because i didn't buy or cook it, but he'd treat himself to a burger whenever he was able. so off to trader joes we went, picking out the most hormone-free, free-range little chicken breasts we could find. he made us kabobs, they tasted GREAT, my tummy didn't revolt, and that was about that. until around 3am that night, though - i remember waking up and actually sitting up in bed, feeling like i could RUN A MARATHON. i had so much energy, my body was buzzing! it was nuts. meat! so glad we kissed and made up.

all of that being said, after we had f and she started eating actual food, i began to think a lot about our diet again, and have been frequenting the farmer's markets, buying organic produce and hormone-free dairy, and just trying to eat more consciously in general. just this week we decided to try to work in at least two vegetarian meals a week, because it felt like we had swung way back over on the meat pendulum, a little too far. sidenote: "meat pendulum"! it screams "death metal band name," doesn't it? anyhow. j built us our raised bed, and my beautiful pals jessie, stacy, nate, & jason gave me a book about organic vegetable gardening, and, well? in the past two months, we've gone from this:

to this!

we've harvested two fresno peppers so far, and j made some great salsa with them. f has been loving it too. she helps us water, collects critters that all these goodies are attracting, and picks the onion greens so that i can snack on them. i love knowing that she's going to grow up with the experience of growing fruit and veggies (thank you, barbara kingsolver and your excellent book "animal, vegetable, miracle" for added inspiration). now if we can just get our zucchini plant to produce a couple before winter, i'll be thrilled. but even just knowing that sweet little baby eggplant is out there, did you see that one? dude! we grew that! in our GARDEN! well that, right now, is enough to make my heart skip a teeny little baby-eggplants-r-us beat.

Thursday, August 20, 2009


filing these in the "so bad, they're good" category, stat:

morning breath

again with f's first-thing-in-the-morning gems: this morning, she crawls up into our bed at, oh, say, 5:45am? right. she crawls up and puts her head next to mine on my pillow, gets under the comforter, and snuggles right in. even half-asleep, i try to just soak it all in: she's warm and snuggly and so sweet. i love this, i decide. i'll take the waking up at an ungodly hour part, just for this. her little hair is all messy and soft, her little noises are so damn cute, she's just so little and i know it will all pass too soon. so i lay there, even as my left arm is starting to get uncomfortable because, you know, i shoved it under the pillow at an unnatural angle right before she lay down and now i don't want to move it because she seems like she's drifting off back to sleep, and i don't mind, because i can feel her little breath on my face, on my cheek. nose to nose we lay there, eyes closed, so peaceful. "MAMA?" she asks. "yes bubs?" i answer, awaiting an "i love you" or something along those lines. "YOU SMELL LIKE POOP!" ahhhhh, yes. precious moments, those. first of all, this budding pee & poop fixation, is it normal for a two year old? i'm gonna go ahead and assume so. but poop? my morning breath smelled like poop? i'll blame that on her still-growing vocabulary. note to self: teach f how to say "fabulous" this weekend.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

the "hilary" song, ian, & trippy: it's a small world.

in a nutshell, because i'm realizing that WOW i can go on & on:

my friend christopher dale wrote a song for me a few years ago, and to this day, it makes me all teary-eyed whenever i hear it, because really, a song? for me? CHRIS. dude. you don't even know.

through my brother-in-law, i connected with local physical therapist maria degitz when she was planning a fundraiser for local inspiration ian mcfarland. maria needed help with booking the entertainment, so i asked my friends cathryn beeks and christopher if they'd donate their talents for the event. they, being them, said "are you kidding me? of course!"

christopher started learning more about ian and his story, and after he played "hilary" at the fundraiser, announced that he would donate any proceeds from downloads of the song to ian's fund. so cool, right? and thanks to maria's hard work and all the love and donations from not only cathryn, chris, & rusty jones & his son, but sector 9 and sanuk sandals and the bareback grill, we helped raise over $10,000 that night for ian's fund. ian was there with his brother and sister for a while too. it was a beautiful night!

somehow, a photographer and blogger from pasadena's husband found "hilary" on itunes & downloaded it for her as a surprise (see, her name's hilary too. it's all starting to come together now, i swear). she did some research into the song, found out about ian and how chris is donating money from the downloads of the song to ian's fund, and now she's promoting the song, and the download, and ian's story, on her blog, and she might end up using the song in a ford fiesta video! and the trippy part: reading her blog, we're hilarys cut from the same cloth. gardening! etsy! photography! the cove! trippy. see? ian & chris, bringing people together one song at a time. good good stuff.

if you want, you can hear the song and get it here or find it on itunes, napster, rhapsody, amazon, verizon, etc. love me some christopher dale.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


i'll be the first to admit that, back in high school when i listened to KNAC, KROQ, and KXLU obsessively, the decision to pursue "radio DJ" as my career path was made based solely on the fact that playing cool music and hanging out with rockstars sounded like a good way to spend a day. when "dangerous darren" had anthrax in studio with him or tami heide was interviewing depeche mode backstage and it sounded like one big party - that's where i wanted to be.

fast forward to 1996: i'm trying to interview goldfinger on the air in denver, but the band members are acting like naughty 10 year olds, defacing all the studio's autographed posters (of other bands, mind you) with a sharpie. or to 1999, when i had to cut short my interview with rancid's lars because he kept cussing, and really didn't seem to care that, hey! i could totally get fired because you feel like being belligerent and rude. or to around 2000, when blink 182's record label sent me a gift basket after one interview that involved mark hoppus talking to me with his pants - and boxers - around his ankles. or to sometime around 2002, when anthony of the red hot chili peppers brought his then-girlfriend into the studio with him for our interview, and he was about as exciting as a wet noodle on the air, and then turned around and made out with his girlfriend... while i stood there, twiddling my thumbs... just the three of us in that TINY, windowless, 10 foot by 12 foot old 91X studio... that was fun.

my point is, it's not all it's cracked up to be, hanging out with rockstars. it can be nerve-wracking and frustrating and sometimes it even feels like babysitting, or pulling teeth. but on the good days, which thankfully, are most of them: it can be truly sublime. it's the "pinch me pinch me somebody PINCH ME" experiences that make all the crappy ones worth it, you know? like when liz phair brought her son to the studio with her, and he sat on our cruddy little couch while she serenaded us, just liz, her guitar, her son, and i. or when ben harper played live on my show; wow. and when mike ness did. and morcheeba, and dave grohl from the foo fighters, and when lars from metallica asked me if i was "ok" when we were standing together in the KNAC studio as the station played its last-ever song. and when beck asked me what i wanted him to play and i told him "debra" and he laughed, but then launched into an a cappella version that made my heart leap. and my fascinating talks with wayne coyne of the flaming lips and omar rodriguez-lopez of the mars volta. and seeing jane's addiction rehearse in front of about 100 people, perry farrell right in our faces. or hosting a performance by death cab for cutie on november 5th, 2004, when ben gibbard ran out during the second song because he was starting to cry, he was so distraught about the country's re-election of bush. or that.

but one of the best, most pinch me moments, one of the ones that make me feel so humble with gratitude for this crazy job, was when coldplay came to town. my pal chris reminded me of this the other day - he'd just watched the 60 minutes piece on coldplay and was talking to me about how, wow, they are one of the biggest bands in the world, and we got to hang out with them! how they were so damn cool and funny and mellow! and how all the sales staff crowded around in the hallway so they could watch through the studio window as i interviewed chris martin and jonny buckland, laughing with them and mixing their guitar and vocals on the fly as they played some songs acoustically on my show. at one point, chris asked me if i had a request for them, any coldplay song i wanted to hear. so i said "green eyes", because, yes, i have green eyes, and i'm a sucker for a sweet love song like that. they obliged and it sounded great and i think we all sorta fell in love with them that day as they charmed the pants off of all of us who got to meet them. but it was that night at their concert at the open air theater when they really got me. they opened with "politik", which is a powerful, BIG song to open with. and they played a few more, and they sounded great again, and then chris martin says, right before they play "green eyes", "this one's for hilary!" and holy lamaze breathing, i just about fell over. um, did he really just dedicate a song to me, right here, in front of thousands of screaming people? that is nuts. pinch me. i love this job.

Monday, August 17, 2009

words of wisdom

f has a tendency to go from 0-60 when she's waking up. i've watched her do it - she can seem totally asleep, but then she'll sit up and immediately start talking. her initial morning thoughts can be counted on to be a) random and b) pretty damn funny. a couple of months ago, she (who, it should be noted, sleeps on a mattress at the foot of our bed for the greater part of each night; see "the INSANE sleep debacle of 07, 08, & 09". wait, i haven't gotten there yet. i will, as soon as i get a full night's sleep) started whispering "mama" at around 3am; when i finally was awake enough to say, "f, what is it?" she said "mom, DON'T EAT SAND." good advice, right? i made a mental note to not eat anymore sand.

lately, her morning routine involves waking up at the crack of you-know-what and climbing up into our bed. if it's before 6am, i tell her she can stay but she needs to go back to sleep "until six-oh-oh," which is how she reads j's huge digital clock. and usually, she grabs my left boob (another story for another day, her boob fixation) and gets back to sleeping. not every morning, however. many mornings, she's raring to go, ready to talk about important stuff that apparently has been on her mind all night. things like this: today, when she climbed into bed and got between j and i, she grabbed my left one and said to me "mama, IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO PEE AND POOP ON PEOPLE." see? important stuff! it can't wait, this kind of pressing issue. i mean, really. it ISN'T a good idea to pee and poop on people, right?

i'd suggest she put a pencil and paper by her bedside so she could write these thoughts down so they wouldn't bother her anymore, you know, so she could forget about them and go back to sleep, but, she can't write. so there's that.

dreamy red sauce

filmmaker tamra davis and her husband, mike d of the beastie boys, have two small boys and they're on a mission to feed them healthy food. a while ago, tamra starting filming her own little D.I.Y. cooking show, sharing her favorite healthy and kid-friendly recipes. eating in a healthier, more planet-friendly way has become our goal too, something that kicked into high gear when f started eating actual food - we're even growing our first organic veggie garden in our new backyard! yes, i still shave my armpits and no, i haven't started wearing patchouli - and yes, the new wave of conscious living has moved far beyond the old hippie stereotype, hasn't it? anyhow. this is one of my favorites - it's from a family vacation they took to mexico. i'm going to try that red sauce one of these days. cool family!

Friday, August 14, 2009

rick cain better watch his back!

this past saturday, as we packed up to head to the beach, f asked j as he loaded his longboard into the truck, "dad, can i surf with you?" and we kinda chuckled, thinking, hmmm. two and a half might be a little young to start, but we'll see. f is a charger. she has no fear. she runs straight into the ocean, always wants to go swim out past the waves ("i want to go far far away!" she says, pointing to the horizon), hurls herself into swimming pools and likes to go headfirst down the slides at parks. which is awesome and a little nerve-wracking at the same time. but last saturday, she kept talking about it, so we took her out into the whitewash and put her on j's board and she could not get enough. in fact, she had a grade-a meltdown when j finally paddled out to go catch some actual waves - she freaked out. and as soon as he came back in, she wanted to get back on the board again. made my heart sing.

and on monday, she wanted to try our niece gaby's boogie board, so gabs and i explained to her how and where to hold on, etc, and gave her a little push when an ankle-slapper came rolling in, and she totally rode the wave all the way in! i thought for sure she'd let go but she held on and rode it in. the board pearled at the end and she tumbled off and went under - i came running up and scooped her up, thinking she'd be a little freaked out because she was all sandy and stuff, but she stood up, wiped her hair out of her eyes, looked at us and yelled "i DID it!!" that's our girl.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

do you think earache's his real name?

it's a wednesday morning, and i just got this email in my inbox:

Hi Hilary,

I'm a transplant from the LBC where I used to listen to you on the Punk 60 Sunday nights on Pure Rock 105.5 KNAC. It is about the music!

Keep rockn!


the punk 60 was my very first "real" (read: commercial) radio show. i'd been interning at KNAC while i went to school at uc irvine, and i was also hosting a punk show on my college station, KUCI, all 200 watts of it. when the PD of KNAC asked me to host a punk rock specialty show for one hour, once a week... in the middle of the night... i felt like i had won the lottery. i remember stopping at a gas station on ocean blvd. in long beach to use the pay phone to call my mom, i was SO thrilled. a pay phone! this was 1994. remember pay phones? that chance was the open door that started my career in radio. guys from nofx, hfl, drain bramaged, youth brigade, and d.i., came in for interviews (and scared the overnight cleaning crew). i began getting serviced by punk rock record labels. i went to more and more shows and finally got to say "i'm on the list," which was so HUGE to me back then! the whole experience ended up being ridiculously fun - i was pinching myself on a regular basis. but let me tell you, when i listen to airchecks from back then - it was 15 years ago! - i CRINGE. i laugh and throw up in my mouth a little bit because, really? WOW. i was TERRIBLE on the air. high pitched voice, really fast talker, nervous, goofy, awful at interviews, you name it. REALLY REALLY BAD. it's kinda sweet at the same time, though, because i was so damn happy to have that little show. it's like finding a picture of yourself in high school, the one where you had that god awful hairdo, the one that you loved and spent hours making sure it was just right? and now you go, dude, i wouldn't wear my hair that way if you paid me a million bucks! but you still kinda chuckle at yourself? kinda like that, or something.

Friday, August 7, 2009

all much

the two best things that have come out of f's mouth in the last 24 hours:

"i love you ALL MUCH!"

"mama, i love daddy THE WHOLE WORLD."

the whole world. so dang sweet, i want to bottle it up and save it for a decade from now, when she's all "MOM! YOU! RUINED! EVERYTHING! EV! REE! THING!!!" and then runs into her bedroom and slams the door. then i can go take the bottle down from the shelf and dab a little behind each ear and maybe feel ok again. wish me luck.

Monday, August 3, 2009

a list.

things that have changed since we had f. in no particular order, and not all-inclusive. just a few thoughts:

1. everything.

2. my diet. that's what got me thinking about this: i was eating leftover grilled veggies and 2 slices of cantaloupe for lunch today, and realized that since f has started eating actual food, i've been so much more aware of what she - and by default, we - eat, in the best way possible. i eat more veggies and fruit (try to make them mostly organic, and about 50% come from the farmer's market) now than ever, and hey! j built us a raised bed in our new backyard, and we planted tons of veggies in it! so that number is likely to go up. the best part is, it's all so yummy. yum yum yum. now, can you hand me that chocolate? it's right... over... there. thanks.

3. my musical listening habits. in the past, i would have been downloading the new portugal, the man or the new white rabbits or the newest live phish show and listening to it until the newer newest thing came along, which i'd then download and listen to until... you get the picture. now? i love laurie berkner, raffi (i do! love him! so sweet, that raffi) and dan zanes and and and, you name it. last week i spent $20 on itunes downloading "pool party" by the aquabats, "mahna mahna" by cake, and a bunch of smash hits from the jungle book and peter pan original soundtracks. smash hits! and the thing that surprises me the most: i LOVE listening to them with f! love it, wouldn't trade it for anything. don't mind it a bit, look forward to it, cherish the sing-alongs. and then, as soon as i'm in the car alone? turn on NPR. or FM 94/9, of course.

4. sleep. some day i'll get into "the INSANE sleep debacle of 07, 08, & 09," as we like to call it in our house. for now, suffice it to say that i can't remember the last time i've had a full night's sleep. even the few (meaning, i can count them on one hand and the thumb from the other hand) nights i've spent away from f, i still wake up in the middle of the night BECAUSE IT'S NORMAL NOW. the nice thing about f waking in the night is burying my face in her warm, sleepy head and giving her just a little fill-up of love as she falls right back to sleep. there's nothing like your sleeping kid's fuzzy head. that smell! it's heaven. but sleeping in past 6am? one can only dream. that is, if one COULD DREAM, because that's near impossible when you don't get long stretches of uninterrupted sleep. ahhhh, sleep. i miss you so much. love you, sleep! love you.

5. social life. well, duh. it went from late nights at the casbah/ken club/insert local bar here with an after-party at jason & jess's to, hey! meet us at the zoo at 9am? sweet! see you at the flamingos. i think the hardest part about this has been the fact that most of our good friends don't have kids yet. so while they're all still out doing all of that, seeing all the great live bands, eating at all the cool new places, we have to plan ahead, hire a sitter, save up, picks our outings, etc. it's just... different. the flip side of that is, we do so many fun things with f that make up for the change, and then some. the beach - it's like a whole new world with her! the zoo, the library, all the parks! she even gets super excited for a trip to trader joes, which makes it fun for me, even if she's grabbing everything off the shelves and insisting on a different snack every 2 minutes. and luckily, we are part of an awesome playgroup, so that has helped me realize we're not the only ones wishing we could be at the casbah when we're actually at "elmo live", and i'm grateful for that all the time. and we're slowly but surely making new friends, friends who have kids and who "get it", all of this, and that's been an added bonus too. my social life now is still very full; it's just usually done for the night, if f is involved, by 7pm. partying with f, circa february 2007:

6. wardrobe. if it fits comfortably, mostly matches, and my hoo-hoo isn't going to show when i get down on the floor to play with f, i'll wear it. my shoes are flip flops in summer (fall & spring, too, here in san diego) and converse low tops in winter. my silver cons are my dress up shoes. top it off with small silver hoop earrings that i can sleep in and that don't hurt when i put on my headphones, and that about sums it up. there are mornings that i forget to look in our full length mirror before i leave the house. i've worn one brown and one black flip flop to work before. and i now carry a travel-size deoderant in my purse because i can't tell you how many times i realized around noon that i had forgotten that, too. but the HUGE - and i mean i can't even begin to explain how huge this has been for me - gift that came with becoming f's mama, as far as my appearance goes, is this: not having the time or energy (or cash, for that matter) to deal with or worry about or even THINK about it has been SUCH A GIFT! i am so much freer, less concerned with what others think, and FAR less self-conscious now that i am a mama. i just don't have time for that stuff, although i'll be the first to admit, sometimes a little time to think about it would be ok. but like, being self centered? when you don't have kids? i now see it for the luxury that it is, even if it sucks at times, if you don't have exceedingly high and healthy self-esteem, which i certainly did not. and now that i'm free of it, the time to be worried about all of that, i've discovered that i feel so much better about myself and more at-peace in general. because really? i just don't care. what you or i are wearing, while it can be cool and hip and entertaining and interesting still, really doesn't mean hardly anything to me anymore. now this isn't to say i've gone and let myself go - i still go to the gym, get my hair did, get my brows waxed by my girl stacy and generally aim for cuteness. the difference is now, whether or not i get there takes up about 1% of my daily energy, as opposed to, what. 50% before f? 60? yikes. it's been positively liberating. and i thank god every day that j could care less either way. yay you, j! yay you!

7. love-bombs. you know, love-bombs? the kind that make your heart feel like it is bursting, literally overflowing and juicy and ripe and exploding with love? i've felt those with j and with my family in general over the years, but with f? holy cats. from the second i knew we were pregnant to that first sonogram to the first kick to her birth to every single second after that... well, it's been love-bombing in my soul like world war three or somethin'. granted, when she's yelling "NO THANK YOU, MAMA!" at me as i'm trying to get us out the door in the morning and it's already 85 INSIDE the house, the love-bombs are more like love-turds, but still. the love? in my world? it's grown exponentially, towards f and towards j and towards the world in general. rainbows and birds singing and giant joyful cupcakes of love? such a cliche; so ridiculously true.

8. lists. i make them, all over the place, all the time. because that urban legend you've heard of, mom brain? IT LIVES. in my head.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

initials and nuts

y'know, i LOVE reading people's blogs and seeing all the pictures of their adorable kidlets. i mean, after a while, don't you start to feel like you know them? and their kids? and oh my gosh, they're growing up so fast! look how big they're getting! but, unfortunately, i'm going to be picky (read: anal) about what pictures i post here, and what names i use and stuff, and it's a bummer. here's why:

i'm on the radio 5 days a week. i've been on the air here in san diego for 12 years now. and for as long as i can remember, i've dealt with over-eager listeners - every DJ does. from angry punks waiting by my car past midnight in denver (i hosted a weekly punk rock "specialty" show called "no punk intended") leaving boot prints in the snow and an empty 40 bottle by my front tire, to needing (and getting) a restraining order against a stalker, to a listener who somehow got my home number and would call my apartment when i lived alone in mission beach and tell me he was going to cut off my toes. which a lot of people say is the price we pay for being the ones who talk on the radio every day. but c'mon, are you kidding me? cut off my toes? police and lawyers and judges and restraining orders? not fun, not funny. not at all. in fact, super LAME.

so, in the interest of self- (and now family-, of course) preservation, i don't mention my last name when i'm on the air, i don't say what part of town we live in, i'm unlisted, i don't use anyone's full names on the air, etc. etc. etc. and once we had f, holy moly, the instinct to not say anything personal on the air kicked me in the guts real hard. i tell mean listeners on the request lines that my name is lisa. i even had drama with a longtime, extremely loyal listener and regular caller (who i'd never met, mind you) who was VERY offended when i declined to tell him my toddler daughter's name over the request lines. drama that included said listener and my program director (my boss) having an hour-long phone conversation to clear up the "issue". but you know what? i'd do it all again in a heartbeat. because if you look hard enough, you can find all of that info about everyone out there anyways. i'm just not going to hand it over to nutty nutball from carlsbad who wants to hear some offspring and by the way, will end up following me home from the station. sucks, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. no offense. i know you'd never do such a crazy thing! i mean, who likes the offspring anymore, anyways?