Monday, August 3, 2009

a list.

things that have changed since we had f. in no particular order, and not all-inclusive. just a few thoughts:

1. everything.

2. my diet. that's what got me thinking about this: i was eating leftover grilled veggies and 2 slices of cantaloupe for lunch today, and realized that since f has started eating actual food, i've been so much more aware of what she - and by default, we - eat, in the best way possible. i eat more veggies and fruit (try to make them mostly organic, and about 50% come from the farmer's market) now than ever, and hey! j built us a raised bed in our new backyard, and we planted tons of veggies in it! so that number is likely to go up. the best part is, it's all so yummy. yum yum yum. now, can you hand me that chocolate? it's right... over... there. thanks.

3. my musical listening habits. in the past, i would have been downloading the new portugal, the man or the new white rabbits or the newest live phish show and listening to it until the newer newest thing came along, which i'd then download and listen to until... you get the picture. now? i love laurie berkner, raffi (i do! love him! so sweet, that raffi) and dan zanes and and and, you name it. last week i spent $20 on itunes downloading "pool party" by the aquabats, "mahna mahna" by cake, and a bunch of smash hits from the jungle book and peter pan original soundtracks. smash hits! and the thing that surprises me the most: i LOVE listening to them with f! love it, wouldn't trade it for anything. don't mind it a bit, look forward to it, cherish the sing-alongs. and then, as soon as i'm in the car alone? turn on NPR. or FM 94/9, of course.

4. sleep. some day i'll get into "the INSANE sleep debacle of 07, 08, & 09," as we like to call it in our house. for now, suffice it to say that i can't remember the last time i've had a full night's sleep. even the few (meaning, i can count them on one hand and the thumb from the other hand) nights i've spent away from f, i still wake up in the middle of the night BECAUSE IT'S NORMAL NOW. the nice thing about f waking in the night is burying my face in her warm, sleepy head and giving her just a little fill-up of love as she falls right back to sleep. there's nothing like your sleeping kid's fuzzy head. that smell! it's heaven. but sleeping in past 6am? one can only dream. that is, if one COULD DREAM, because that's near impossible when you don't get long stretches of uninterrupted sleep. ahhhh, sleep. i miss you so much. love you, sleep! love you.

5. social life. well, duh. it went from late nights at the casbah/ken club/insert local bar here with an after-party at jason & jess's to, hey! meet us at the zoo at 9am? sweet! see you at the flamingos. i think the hardest part about this has been the fact that most of our good friends don't have kids yet. so while they're all still out doing all of that, seeing all the great live bands, eating at all the cool new places, we have to plan ahead, hire a sitter, save up, picks our outings, etc. it's just... different. the flip side of that is, we do so many fun things with f that make up for the change, and then some. the beach - it's like a whole new world with her! the zoo, the library, all the parks! she even gets super excited for a trip to trader joes, which makes it fun for me, even if she's grabbing everything off the shelves and insisting on a different snack every 2 minutes. and luckily, we are part of an awesome playgroup, so that has helped me realize we're not the only ones wishing we could be at the casbah when we're actually at "elmo live", and i'm grateful for that all the time. and we're slowly but surely making new friends, friends who have kids and who "get it", all of this, and that's been an added bonus too. my social life now is still very full; it's just usually done for the night, if f is involved, by 7pm. partying with f, circa february 2007:

6. wardrobe. if it fits comfortably, mostly matches, and my hoo-hoo isn't going to show when i get down on the floor to play with f, i'll wear it. my shoes are flip flops in summer (fall & spring, too, here in san diego) and converse low tops in winter. my silver cons are my dress up shoes. top it off with small silver hoop earrings that i can sleep in and that don't hurt when i put on my headphones, and that about sums it up. there are mornings that i forget to look in our full length mirror before i leave the house. i've worn one brown and one black flip flop to work before. and i now carry a travel-size deoderant in my purse because i can't tell you how many times i realized around noon that i had forgotten that, too. but the HUGE - and i mean i can't even begin to explain how huge this has been for me - gift that came with becoming f's mama, as far as my appearance goes, is this: not having the time or energy (or cash, for that matter) to deal with or worry about or even THINK about it has been SUCH A GIFT! i am so much freer, less concerned with what others think, and FAR less self-conscious now that i am a mama. i just don't have time for that stuff, although i'll be the first to admit, sometimes a little time to think about it would be ok. but like, being self centered? when you don't have kids? i now see it for the luxury that it is, even if it sucks at times, if you don't have exceedingly high and healthy self-esteem, which i certainly did not. and now that i'm free of it, the time to be worried about all of that, i've discovered that i feel so much better about myself and more at-peace in general. because really? i just don't care. what you or i are wearing, while it can be cool and hip and entertaining and interesting still, really doesn't mean hardly anything to me anymore. now this isn't to say i've gone and let myself go - i still go to the gym, get my hair did, get my brows waxed by my girl stacy and generally aim for cuteness. the difference is now, whether or not i get there takes up about 1% of my daily energy, as opposed to, what. 50% before f? 60? yikes. it's been positively liberating. and i thank god every day that j could care less either way. yay you, j! yay you!

7. love-bombs. you know, love-bombs? the kind that make your heart feel like it is bursting, literally overflowing and juicy and ripe and exploding with love? i've felt those with j and with my family in general over the years, but with f? holy cats. from the second i knew we were pregnant to that first sonogram to the first kick to her birth to every single second after that... well, it's been love-bombing in my soul like world war three or somethin'. granted, when she's yelling "NO THANK YOU, MAMA!" at me as i'm trying to get us out the door in the morning and it's already 85 INSIDE the house, the love-bombs are more like love-turds, but still. the love? in my world? it's grown exponentially, towards f and towards j and towards the world in general. rainbows and birds singing and giant joyful cupcakes of love? such a cliche; so ridiculously true.

8. lists. i make them, all over the place, all the time. because that urban legend you've heard of, mom brain? IT LIVES. in my head.

1 comment:

  1. I totally get it!!! That is my life. We still try to live the late night life, but it is far more planning than either of us are used to. We are truly lucky to have family in town to back us up.

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